WRITING LIFE: Writing Class Ruined Me for Social Reentry (in Hippocampus Magazine)

On Thursday, just after noon, I bike to Bagel Emporium. My kids are at home in their rooms, Zooming into class. Sebastian, who’s 12, may be playing Minecraft. Tashi, 17, is probably flipping through TikTok.

On my way in, I bump into three moms I know from when Tashi was in elementary school. One mom and I shared a carpool during middle school. Another’s daughter played on her basketball team. Those were active times.

The three women are eating outside, chatting. I stand there straddling my bike. The carpool mom asks, “How are you?”

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I Offer You Love, Light, and Blatherskite During this Trying Time (in The Haven)

Thank you for joining me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Clubhouse, Zoom, Google Meet, Facetime, Reddit, LinkedIn, Snapchat, YouTube, TikTok, my podcast, my vlog, and in the cosmos for Love, Light, and Blatherskite. Clever, right? Did you hear the rhyme?

I am not a yoga teacher, but I’ve taken an Intensive, Light, Kundalini, Ashtanga, Ayurveda, Pacifist, Warrior class before and I know how to speak with a feathery voice in that awkward and un-bossy way where every sentence starts with a gerund.

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THIS IS HOW I HURT MY KIDS BY HELPING THEM (IN MOTHERWELL)

Since March, since we’ve been locked down with our kids, every other Saturday is cleaning day. Our nanny hasn’t been able to come to work, so I thought I’d use this moment to teach my kids self-reliance. Also, with all of us home all the time, the house is always a disaster and I didn’t want to do all the cleaning myself. / On our first cleaning day, I made a quick list—tidy bedrooms, scrub down the kitchen, wash and fold laundry, sweep, mop, and water plants. My wife and I would take care of the bathrooms. / Sebastian started with good energy. He took a rag to the kitchen countertop but soon got sidetracked by an avocado pit. He rolled the pit over the ridges of the stovetop. Avocado pieces lodged into the creases of the stove. Then he took out our biggest knife, but I got to him before he could test if avocado pits can be machetied in half. Sebastian is 11.

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“YOU CAN’T WEAR THAT!” WHO DECIDES WHAT TEENS SHOULD WEAR (IN YOUR TEEN MAG)

My daughter is 15. Her favorite outfit is a tube top paired with denim shorts that barely cover her vagina. She argues she should be allowed to wear whatever she wants. She says tube tops and short-shorts are the style; that she feels good in that outfit; that I am a prude.

A week ago, I dropped her off at another girl’s birthday party. As we pulled into the driveway, three girls got out of a minivan; each girl was wearing the same denim shorts and a tube top. I felt so disheartened.

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“I’M TOTALLY SELFISH NOW THAT I’M A MOM” (IN KVELLER)

When my daughter’s teacher asked me to explain Hanukkah to her first-grade class, my first reaction was, “Hell, no!”  / I had no interest in donating my time teaching people’s kids. That’s not because I didn’t want to get into a religious debate, or answer questions I didn’t know the answers to, or be labeled the “Jew” in the room. It’s because I already donate all my time teaching my own kids.

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“BRAGGING ABOUT BOOKS” (IN THE WRITER)

Someone tweeted, “Which books do you brag about reading?” I retweeted with a comment, “Every time I read a book I brag about it.” / I’m not a voracious reader. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I hate the term “voracious reader.” As cliché as it is, that’s how every writer describes herself, except me. I wasn’t that kid who checked out seven books from the library every week. I didn’t sit in corners. I didn’t escape behind books. And now I feel like I’m running from behind, and I’m a bit defensive about it.

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“I’M 51 AND I’VE NEVER LOOKED BETTER” (IN GLAMOUR)

Every time I see my mom, she tells me, “Dye your hair. You look like an aging hippie.” / I’m 51, and while I fear I’m aging out of a lot of things—the ability to run miles and miles without getting injured, for one—I’m not aging out of looks. There’s a photograph of the writer Susan Sontag taken at 58. She’s lying back, holding her elbow up with her hand resting on her head. Sontag was known for her political theories, but also for the thick swath of gray hair right in front, while the rest was dark brown. In the photo, you can see the gray and also the loosening of the skin under her eyes. She looks strong and calm. The picture was taken by Annie Leibovitz, who was her lover.

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“OWNING MY SHIT” (IN SWAMP APE REVIEW)

It took two years and 130 houses to find the one. It was my first house and I considered my options carefully. I didn’t rush in. Instead, I rushed to the bathroom. / It was always the kitchen that made my stomach seize. This one was the same as all the others:  an industrial-sized refrigerator, dark brown cabinetry, marble countertops, and an island as big as Manhattan. / “This is a spectacular renovation,” my wife, Victoria, said. She was right. The kitchen was straight out of Better Homes and Gardens. The bathroom was pristine and all beige. It had Grohe fixtures (no American Standard). There was a candle burning because certain smells sell houses; they evoke an image of home. But that candle had nothing on me.

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“THE HARD EDITS: WHY EVERY WRITER NEEDS AN EDITOR/FRIEND ” (IN THE WRITER)

I emailed my friend Allison a story I wanted to publish. The story was about my experience volunteering in a foreign country and how I discovered something I don’t like about myself – I’m entitled. It was embarrassing to admit, but I know that to write a story worth anyone’s time, you have to tell the truth, even and especially if the truth is ugly, which means you have to be willing to get vulnerable. I thought I had done that. I thought the story was pretty good. /Allison emailed the story back. The subject line said, “Call me to discuss before you read edits.” / Oh no, she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

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“A BOY THREATENED TO RAPE MY 13-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. I’M SCARED FOR HER FUTURE.” (IN HUFFINGTON POST)

I’m watching Christine Blasey Ford testify in front of the world. She says she was assaulted by Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, who has denied the allegation. / I believe Blasey, because why would anyone put herself and her family through this kind of scrutiny and loss of privacy? Why would anyone make herself the target of hatred, including death threats? / She says she’s been forced out of her home and is now protected by bodyguards.

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“CURSE OF BEAUTY” (IN THE RUMPUS)

My daughter posts a bikini selfie on Instagram. Half her ass is showing. I rush to her room and swing the door open so hard the knob makes a hole in the wall. I say, “Take it down.” / My daughter is fourteen. She’s 5’5” and just over a hundred pounds. She looks like a marathon runner or a beach volleyball player, one of those women who can run across the sand in a bikini and nothing jiggles. She wears glasses and braces and her hair straightened and down to her butt. She has big, pouty lips and defined cheekbones. People say we look alike, but she is much prettier than I am—than I ever was.

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“NOT PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN” (IN THE SELKIE)

I went to a small beach town in Mexico to rescue turtles. I took my daughter, Tashi, who’s 14, because I wanted to teach her about the world and do something good. I did a quick Google search – Volunteering Families – and then gave Tashi three choices: old people in Guatemala; a cultural tour of Cuba; turtles in Mexico. She said, “I don’t care, you decide.” / The website showed smiling volunteers releasing baby turtles into the ocean. I thought turtles would be relaxing. So I picked turtles. I paid $2,500 for me. Tashi was a bargain at $350.

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“SPOILED MOM” (IN MUTHA MAGAZINE)

Sebastian came home from school and like every day, he barged through the door of my office, and there he was, sweaty and red-cheeked. He’s in third grade and carries a big backpack, which, seconds after he arrives, ends up on the floor, along with his sneakers. / “Grab a snack and do your homework,” I said. I motioned for him to pick up his backpack and pointed to the kitchen, where the kids do their work. Then I got back to my own work.

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“SO I EXAGGERATE A LITTLE — AM I WRONG TO JAZZ UP MY STORIES?” (IN AEON)

Before 8 November 2016, I thought it was okay to stretch the truth in storytelling, especially if you were trying to be funny. Now, I’m not sure. / TrueStory was my Match.com handle. I don’t remember Victoria’s handle; what I remember is her picture. She’s wearing drag-queen quantities of makeup: gold swathes across her eyelids, blush from cheekbone to temple, and fuck-me red lipstick. She’s leaning forward, her white, fitted shirt is unbuttoned way down, and she’s squeezing her boobs together with her arms to exaggerate her cleavage. She looks like a hoochie mama.

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“EVERYONE OUT INCLUDING THE BABY” (IN MUTHA MAGAZINE)

At midnight, my midwife, Dana, drove me to the Hollywood Birth Center. My mom, her boyfriend Bob, and my two best friends followed in a separate car. / The Birth Center, until we got there that night, was just an empty house. I took a shower right away because Dana said hot water would ease the pain. By then, I’d been having contractions for eight hours and while the hot water felt hot, it did nothing to ease the pain. So I got out of the shower. 

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“BORN TO RUN” (IN MANIFEST STATION)

My mom has spent her entire adult life volunteering for the Democratic Party. She’s also an artist and was also very active in the women’s movement. She was the president of the local chapter of National Organization for Women and the head of the Miami Women’s History Coalition. She campaigned for equal pay for equal work and worked so hard for the Equal Rights Amendment that I can still recite the language: Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex. The amendment died in 1982. I was 14.

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“JUSTAMOTHERPHOBIA” (IN BRAIN, CHILD)

I’m going on two hours in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office when I send my wife an angry text, “Waiting for the pediatrician is NOT what I envisioned for my life.”

Victoria is at work. She’s a financial advisor at a prominent firm. She texts me back, “You are the most beautiful and sexy mommy.” Feels good for a second. Then I think: That’s like saying, “You look hot doing the dishes.”

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“PERFECT, WITH CHILDBEARING HIPS” (IN THE NEW YORK TIMES, MODERN LOVE)

Several years ago I went to the California Cryobank’s Web site to buy sperm. I was single and a lesbian and wanted to have a baby. I’d always wanted a family and dreamed of creating one with a partner, but I’d proved to be a love loser. When it didn’t work out with anybody, including my most recent ex (after six years of couples counseling, meditation, acupuncture, hypnosis), I gave up.

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“WHEN WE TRIED TANTRIC SEX” (IN SALON)

Besides the usual things that get in the way of good sex — kids and busy lives — Victoria and I also have to worry about lesbian bed death. / Lesbian bed death is a common affliction caused by the lack of testosterone in lesbian relationships. Some people think homosexuality is the gateway drug to freaky sex. Like once you’ve tried same-sex sex, you’ll try anything and often. But for most lesbians I know, that’s not true. We’re pretty conventional. Even less sexual than straight people, probably, because when there’s no man forcing sex — no one’s forcing sex.

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EXERCISE, WEED, SEX…NOTHING IS EASING MY ANXIETY (In The Manifest-Station)

I used to feel like I could make a difference in the world. I used to march in the streets. When I was a kid, my mom took my brother and me to March on Washington three times. For fifteen years after college, I worked full-time to help homeless people find jobs, working-class people make a livable wage, and queer youth who’d been bullied out of their schools or homes. I volunteered for Democratic candidates all my life. My candidates didn’t always win, but I always felt like the world was moving in the right direction.

Four years ago, I dragged my kids to phone-bank and canvass door-to-door for Hillary Clinton. Then the most qualified candidate that ever ran for president lost to the most absurd candidate. And the world went dark.

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Fatphobia is Real: I’m Trying to Unlearn It—One Bite at a Time (In NextTribe)

Menopause and a sweet tooth have caused Andrea Askowitz to put on eight pounds. She wishes weight didn’t matter to her, but it all started with a terrible newspaper article at age 16.

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“WHEN I FINALLY KISSED A GIRL” (IN SALON)

In high school, I spent weekends with my best friend Janet. We cuddled and slept like spoons. I would rather do anything with Janet, even homework, than go on a date with my boyfriend, who would drive me to a spot by the canal in his mom’s checkered cab and eat me out, which I discovered was pretty great.

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