Andrea Askowitz

Author & Teacher

We Got the Swine

Tashi had Swine Flu.  At least I think she had Swine.  Might of well have been Swine, it was for sure the flu.  I know because we spent 5 hours at Miami Children’s Hospital Monday.  I took her to Children’s because I didn’t want to have to wait, like we always do, at her regular doctor. I’m an idiot, obviously.  But they did test her for the flu and did an ex-ray for lung stuff like pneumonia and bronchitis and her regular doctor doesn’t have an ex-ray machine, so I was smart to take her to Children’s. Just that every other parent in Miami was smart like me.

My daughter is a superstar.  She had to get her nose suctioned by what looked like a vacuum cleaner with a nostril-sized hose.  The nurse shoved it in and flipped the switch.  Tashi backed up a little bit and flailed her arms.  When the nurse approached her for a second round, Tashi stood strong.  I was so impressed, I offered to buy her the biggest lollypop in the world, which I didn’t do.

I did go to a giant candy store the next day. They had everything, including candy cigarettes, which I loved as a kid with the powdered sugar that puffed out if you blew on it. But please, those things need to be discontinued.  Candy cigarettes with powdered smoke!  That’s like a candy gun with bubble-gum bullets.  They also had Razzles, which I’d forgotten about until just now. Yum–an acquired texture. Now I’m going to eat the whole pack.photo2
They also had the biggest lollypop in the world. But get this. The biggest lollypop in the world cost $69. Fucking hell. My child is brave, but it wasn’t a butt suction. And even if it was, $69! So what if it was the size of a bike tire.  Instead, Tashi got the extra medium.